The Power of Self-Relationship Training: Transforming Negative Self-Treatment

Our relationship with ourselves shapes every aspect of our lives—our confidence, emotional resilience, decision-making, and even our connections with others. Yet, many people unknowingly engage in Negative Treatment of Self (NTS; Capaldi & Elliott, 2023), reinforcing patterns of self-criticism, neglect, and emotional suppression.

Self-Relationship Training offers a pathway to recognising and transforming these harmful patterns, fostering self-awareness, self-compassion, and inner trust. Let’s explore why our self-relationship matters and how we can begin the journey towards healing.

What is the Self-Relationship?

Your self-relationship is the way you perceive, relate to, and treat yourself. It encompasses:

• Self-perception – How you view your worth, identity, and abilities.

• Internal dialogue – The quality of your self-talk (supportive vs. critical).

• Emotional and behavioural responses – How you react to successes, failures, and life’s challenges.

A positive self-relationship nurtures emotional balance, confidence, and self-acceptance, while a negative one can lead to self-sabotage, anxiety, and depression.

Recognising Negative Treatment of Self (NTS)

NTS is a self-defeating cycle that diminishes self-worth and well-being. It manifests in many different ways, including:

• Self-Attack – Harsh or subtle self-criticism, excessive self-blame, forms of self-harm, and negatively comparing oneself to others.

• Hostile Control – Perfectionism, unrealistic expectations, and rigid self-discipline driven by fear of failure.

• Self-Neglect – Minimising or ignoring emotional and physical needs by prioritising external demands.

• Hostile Freedom – Isolating and withdrawing from relationships out of fear, distrust, or self-doubt.

These patterns often become unconscious habits, reinforcing feelings of inadequacy and emotional distress.

How NTS Impacts Mental Health

A negative self-relationship doesn’t just influence how we think about ourselves—it affects mental well-being, relationships, and personal growth. Research shows that self-criticism is a major contributor to anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem (Gilbert, 2020).

When we constantly judge ourselves, we trigger emotional distress, making it harder to regulate our feelings or take positive action. Over time, this can lead to avoidance of opportunities, difficulty forming relationships, and chronic stress.

Conversely, developing a healthier self-relationship fosters emotional resilience, self-confidence, and psychological well-being (Neff, 2023).

Building Self-Awareness: The First Step to Change

The foundation of transforming negative self-treatment lies in developing greater self-awareness—the ability to recognise and reflect on our thoughts, emotions, and behaviours.

Techniques for Cultivating Self-Awareness:

• Mindfulness Practice – Observing thoughts, feelings, and behaviours without judgment.

• Journalling – Identifying recurring negative patterns.

• Cognitive Restructuring – Challenging self-critical thoughts.

• Gestalt Therapy (Empty Chair Technique) – Exploring internal conflicts.

• Seeking Feedback – Gaining insights from trusted individuals.

Through consistent self-reflection, we can identify negative self-talk, shift unhelpful beliefs, and foster greater self-acceptance.

Transforming Negative Self-Treatment: A Path to Self-Compassion

Healing the self-relationship requires conscious effort and practical strategies.

Steps to Cultivate Self-Compassion:

• Recognise and challenge NTS – Replace self-criticism and other detrimental self-processes with constructive affirmations.

• Practice self-kindness – Treat yourself with the same care and understanding you would offer a close friend.

• Prioritise emotional needs – Acknowledge and validate your feelings instead of suppressing, denying, or distorting them.

• Integrate all aspects of the self – Acknowledge, process, and integrate challenging or difficult self-aspects – imperfections are part of being human.

• Engage in active self-involvement – Take intentional steps toward healing, growth, and inner integration.

Developing self-compassion helps to counter self-criticism, inner rejection, and negative self-perception, promoting greater psychological well-being.

Applying This in Therapy

Therapy provides a safe and constructive space to begin exploring your relationship with yourself, and can offer structured techniques to reshape it and break free from patterns of negative self-treatment. Some effective approaches include:

• Cognitive Restructuring – Increasing awareness of unrealistic self-demands, and learning to explore and challenge them constructively.

• Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) – Processing inner conflicts and unresolved emotional pain.

• Constructive Dialogue – Encouraging meaningful communication between conflicting parts of the self to identify unmet needs and support integration and inner harmony.

• Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) – Cultivating self-acceptance and self-kindness to counteract NTS.

With the right tools and support, individuals can develop greater awareness of their inner dialogue, behaviours, and the emotional effects that follow—enabling transformation, building resilience, and fostering a more compassionate relationship with themselves.

Final Thoughts: The Power of Self-Relationship Training

Your self-relationship is the foundation of your mental and emotional well-being. By bringing awareness to Negative Treatment of Self (NTS) and actively cultivating self-compassion, you can break the cycle of self-sabotage and build a more supportive, resilient inner world.

Next Steps:

• Engage in self-reflection – How do you typically relate to yourself and your emotions?

• Apply self-compassion techniques – Explore how you might move away from self-criticism and other forms of NTS, and cultivate greater self-kindness.

• Consider therapy or Self-Relationship Training – Professional support can guide deeper transformation.

Your journey towards greater self-acceptance and a healthier relationship with yourself begins now. Will you choose self-compassion over harsh self-criticism? Investing in your relationship with yourself is one of the most powerful steps you can take for lasting mental well-being.

References:

• Capaldi, K., & Elliott, R. (2023). Negative treatment of self in socially anxious clients. Person-Centered & Experiential Psychotherapies, 23(1), 101-121.

• Elliott, R., & Greenberg, L., (2021). Emotion-Focused Counselling in Action. Sage Publications Ltd.

• Gilbert, P. (2020). The compassionate mind: A new approach to life’s challenges. New Harbinger.

• Gilbert, P. (2022). Compassion-focused therapy: Clinical practice and applications. Routledge.

• Neff, K. D. (2023). The science of self-compassion: Proven strategies for coping with life’s challenges. HarperCollins.