Breaking the Habit Loop: A Self‑Relationship Approach to Overcoming Self‑Sabotage

Have you ever caught yourself stuck in a familiar pattern—delaying a project, avoiding a conversation, or talking yourself out of something meaningful—despite knowing it matters to you?

This is the quiet force of self‑sabotage at work. Often misunderstood as laziness or a lack of willpower, self‑sabotage is better understood through the lens of the self‑relationship. It emerges when the internal relationship we hold with ourselves is shaped more by criticism and fear than by care and clarity.

In this article, we’ll explore how self‑sabotage often stems from what I term Negative Treatment of Self (NTS, Capaldi & Elliott, 2023)—and how a compassionate, structured shift in your self‑relationship can begin to loosen even the most ingrained habits.

Why Self‑Sabotage Isn’t About Willpower

Most people experience self‑sabotage as a kind of internal conflict. You want one thing, but act in ways that prevent it. Traditional behavioural psychology explains this through the habit loop:

Trigger → Behaviour → Reward

But in cases of self‑sabotage, the “reward” is often invisible. It might be the brief relief of avoiding discomfort, anxiety, or shame. The loop looks something like this:

·       Trigger: You’re invited to share your ideas at work.

·       Behaviour: You convince yourself you’re unprepared and withdraw.

·       Reward: You avoid vulnerability, but reinforce the belief that your voice doesn’t matter.

This short-term relief is often chosen—whether consciously or not—at the expense of long-term confidence and self-trust. Over time, these patterns become habitual, automatic, and ultimately self-limiting.

The Role of Shame and the Negative Inner Voice

Behind self‑sabotage sits a familiar voice: the inner critic. This voice often sounds rational but is driven by shame. It may say things like:

·       “You’re not ready.”

·       “You don’t deserve this.”

·       “They’ll find out you’re not good enough.”

These beliefs don’t emerge from nowhere. They often take shape in response to early experiences—where gaining safety and acceptance may have meant staying silent, striving for perfection, or rejecting parts of oneself.

In my research, I have explored this dynamic through the lense of the self-relationship and Negative Treatment of Self (NTS). NTS includes patterns such as self‑attack (e.g. harsh internal criticism), hostile control (e.g. perfectionism or rigidity), self-neglect (emotional or physical), and hostile freedom (e.g. isolation or disengagement). These internal behaviours mirror the ways people may have been treated by others, and they persist until actively re‑examined and re‑shaped.

A Self‑Relationship Approach to Changing Habits

Instead of trying to force yourself into better habits with guilt or discipline, the self‑relationship model invites a different route—one based on curiosity, compassion, and internal partnership.

Here are three key steps that form the basis of this approach:

1. Notice the Pattern Without Blame

The first step is developing self-awareness, as we cannot change what we’re not aware of. When you notice yourself avoiding or procrastinating, pause and ask:

·       “What am I protecting myself from right now?”

·       “What feeling or outcome am I trying to avoid?”

This kind of self-inquiry helps you see the emotional logic of the behaviour. You’re not “failing”; you’re trying to stay emotionally safe. This insight interrupts the shame cycle and creates space for choice.

2. Name the Inner Voice Driving the Avoidance

Next, identify what the inner critic or frightened part is saying. You might write it down or say it aloud:

·       “If I try and fail, I’ll be humiliated.”

·       “People will think I’m a fraud.”

·       “I always let people down.”

Recognising these voices as parts—not your whole identity—helps you externalise them. In Emotion‑Focused Therapy (EFT, Elliott et al., 2004), we often use two‑chair dialogues to help clients meet these parts with compassion and understanding. This process makes space for an internal dialogue that is constructive rather than punishing.

3. Respond With Care, Not Control

Finally, bring in a different internal voice—the compassionate self. This is the part of you that can hold the frightened or critical voice without judgement. You might say:

·       “It makes sense that you're scared. I hear you.”

·       “We can do this one step at a time. I’m with you.”

Over time, this begins to build a new habit loop: one based on recognition and inner support, rather than avoidance and criticism.

Clinical Application: Sarah’s Story

Take “Sarah”, a (hypothetical) client who continually delays submitting her manuscript. Each time she gets close, she’s overwhelmed by anxiety and self‑doubt. Together in therapy, we explore the underlying voices: “You’ll fail,” “You’re not a real writer.”

Through guided internal dialogues, Sarah begins to respond differently: “You’re scared, not incapable.” She learns to meet her avoidance not with force, but with empathy. Slowly, the avoidance pattern loosens, and meaningful progress follows—not because she’s pushing harder, but because she’s relating differently to herself.

This client case draws on common clinical patterns encountered in therapy to protect confidentiality and model therapeutic process.

From Theory to Practice: The Role of Self‑Relationship Training

If this resonates with you, my Self‑Relationship Training® offers a structured, experiential approach to these very themes.

Over six modules, the training guides participants through:

·       Identifying and interrupting negative self‑treatment patterns

·       Reconnecting with neglected or shamed inner parts

·       Developing a steady, internal relationship rooted in self‑respect and care

The process draws on Emotion‑Focused Therapy, Person‑Centred theory, and contemporary research on shame, self‑criticism and internal conflict. Whether you are a therapist, coach, or someone doing deep personal work, the course is designed to offer both theoretical insight and practical tools.

You can find out more or enrol here.

Reflection Prompt

As you close this page, pause and ask yourself:

“What part of me is trying to protect me through avoidance—and what would it need to feel safer?”

This is the start of real change—not from force, but from understanding.

References

• Capaldi, K., & Elliott, R. (2023). Negative Treatment of Self in Socially Anxious Clients. Person-Centered & Experiential Psychotherapies, 23(1), 101-121.

• Elliott, R., Watson, J., Goldman, R., & Greenberg, L.S. (2004). Learning emotion-focused therapy: The process-experiential approach to change. American Psychological Association.

Dr Kay Capaldi is an integrative psychotherapist who supports growth and wellbeing through psychotherapy, coaching, training, and consultancy. Her work centres on the self-relationship, emotional healing, and experiential process. To receive reflective tools, therapeutic prompts, and updates, subscribe to her newsletter.