Working with Internalised Shame: A Case Example in Emotion-Focused Therapy

Shame isn’t just an uncomfortable emotion—it can become a powerful force shaping how we see ourselves and relate to others. For many, it becomes a deeply embedded part of their identity. At its core, shame is about feeling exposed or “less than” in the eyes of others. It involves the belief that we are seen as bad, disgusting, or unworthy—likely to provoke rejection, disapproval, or ridicule. When these experiences are repeated or intense, they can become internalised.

This internalised shame often mirrors how others have treated us in the past. When exposed to repeated judgment or contempt, we may begin to adopt that same attitude toward ourselves. Over time, this can give rise to a harsh inner critic—one that berates, diminishes, and condemns. In this internal struggle, one part of the self attacks while another retreats in shame. For some, this self-directed contempt also spills outward, appearing as irritation or anger toward others. For others, shame is less visible but more deeply ingrained, quietly shaping their identity without overt signs of hostility (Greenberg & Watson, 2006).

Shame rarely operates in isolation. It often intertwines with other emotions, particularly anger. The pain of feeling unworthy or exposed can ignite a defensive rage—directed either at the source of the shame or turned inward as self-blame. This emotional layering can make shame especially complex and difficult to untangle.

Recognising and working through these dynamics is a key step in healing. In therapeutic approaches like Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT; Elliott et al., 2004) naming and transforming shame can be profoundly empowering—helping people move from self-attack to self-acceptance. This blog post explores how EFT helps clients process internalised shame through experiential methods like two-chair work. A fictional case example illustrates this in practice.

A Note on the Case Example

The following case is entirely hypothetical. It does not describe a real client or real events, but draws on common clinical patterns encountered in therapy to protect confidentiality and model therapeutic process.

Shame and the Internal Critical Voice

In EFT, internalised shame is often discovered as part of a conflict split—where one part of the self wants growth, visibility or connection, and another part (the inner critic) attacks or silences that effort.

Clients experiencing shame-based anxiety often carry a powerful internal critic that prevents them from speaking up or asserting themselves. In many cases, the pain of shame can also give rise to defensive anger—directed either inward as self-attack or outward toward those perceived to be critical or threatening. This critic usually doesn’t originate in the present—it is shaped by past experiences of humiliation, rejection, or punishment, often early in life (Gilbert, 2009; Greenberg, 2002).

Hypothetical Case Example: “Elena”

Elena is a 33-year-old professional who seeks therapy for chronic social anxiety. Despite being competent and capable, she avoids speaking in meetings or contributing ideas, fearing she will embarrass herself.

In early sessions, she says:

“I freeze. Even when I want to speak, a voice inside shuts me down.”

This inner voice is harsh and absolute:

“You’re not good enough. Stay quiet so no one finds out.”

Uncovering the Shame: Two-Chair Work in Practice

In a key session, Elena engages in two-chair dialogue—a core technique within EFT (Elliott et al., 2004) that allows clients to externalise and interact with conflicting parts of the self. One chair represents the inner critic; the other, the part of Elena under attack.

From the critic’s chair, she says:

“You’ll make a fool of yourself. People will laugh.”

From the experiencing chair, her voice softens. She looks down:

“I’m just scared. I want to speak—but I don’t want to be shamed again.”

With careful therapeutic pacing, Elena recalls a formative childhood experience: reading aloud in class, stumbling, and being laughed at by her teacher and peers. This memory surfaces as a key source of her internalised shame.

As she revisits the event, tears come. She says:

“It wasn’t just that I messed up—it felt like I was the mess-up.”

This process reflects what Elliott and Greenberg (2021) describe in Emotion-Focused Counselling in Action as “working through a conflict split”—where a critical internal voice is encountered, named, and gradually transformed through empathic confrontation and emotional processing.

Transforming Emotion: From Shame to Assertive Anger and Compassion

In subsequent sessions, Elena accesses assertive anger—a healthy, protective emotion aimed at the critic. She says firmly:

“You don’t get to silence me anymore. You’ve kept me small for long enough.”

Her body straightens. Her voice becomes clearer. This is the emotional pivot EFT seeks—moving from shame to empowered emotional expression (Greenberg & Watson, 2006).

Later, she begins to offer herself compassion—another emotional corrective:

“You were just a child. You didn’t deserve that. I’m proud of you for trying.”

This process marks the beginning of internal re-parenting—where a compassionate inner voice emerges to counterbalance years of critical self-treatment.

Clinical Reflections: The Role of Self-Relationship

Elena’s journey highlights what I describe as shifts in the self-relationship. Many clients, particularly those with social anxiety or early relational trauma, internalise negative messages that later become forms of Negative Treatment of Self (NTS; Capaldi & Elliott, 2023).

NTS includes:

• Self-attack (e.g. internal criticism, verbal abuse)

• Hostile control (e.g. perfectionism, emotional rigidity)

• Self-neglect (e.g. ignoring one's own emotions and needs)

• Hostile freedom (e.g. emotional distancing, disconnection)

Therapeutic work aims to replace these patterns with more affiliative inner relating—grounded in emotional honesty, boundary-setting, and self-care.

Why This Matters

Internalised shame often operates in silence. Clients may not even name it as shame—they simply believe they are defective, too much, or not enough.

Through experiential processes like two-chair work, EFT helps clients feel their way through shame—not just talk about it—and create new emotional experiences that support healing.

It is in these moments of emotional truth-telling that clients begin to shift from being crushed by the inner critic to standing beside the frightened parts of themselves with strength and care.

Further Reading & Training

If you're interested in learning how to recognise and work with internal splits, shame, and the inner critic in your practice or self-development, my Self-Relationship Training® explores these dynamics in depth—offering clinical frameworks, interventions, and reflective practice.

References

• Capaldi, K., & Elliott, R. (2023). Negative Treatment of Self in Socially Anxious Clients. Person-Centered & Experiential Psychotherapies, 23(1), 101-121.

• Elliott, R. & Greenberg, L. (2021). Emotion-Focused Counselling in Action. Sage Publications Ltd.

• Elliott, R., Watson, J., Goldman, R., & Greenberg, L.S. (2004). Learning emotion-focused therapy: The process-experiential approach to change. American Psychological Association.

• Gilbert, P. (2009). The compassionate mind: A new approach to life's challenges. Constable & Robinson.

• Greenberg, L. S. (2002). Emotion-focused therapy: Coaching clients to work through their feelings. American Psychological Association.

• Greenberg, L. S., & Watson, J. C. (2006). Emotion-focused therapy for depression. American Psychological Association.

Dr Kay Capaldi is an integrative psychotherapist and supervisor specialising in the self-relationship, emotion-focused therapy and experiential process. This blog reflects clinical theory and training practice, and is not a substitute for personal therapy.